Should I Go to Grad School?

I am sitting down at 11:30 pm on September 3rd to write this post because, after hours of searching through European grad school programs, I am left feeling...conflicted and scared.

Honestly, I'm a bit embarrassed to say that I am now considering grad school at all. If you had asked me if I would go to grad school while I was at Drew, I would have told you "Hell no. I already don't need to be spending money to get an undergrad degree to do what I want to do." That's not exactly a dig at my school (although I have been quite a critic at times); it's more of me not wanting to add to my student debt, when I know that people have succeeded in theatre with no formal education whatsoever.

The more acting classes I took in college, the more I resented the concept of being taught how to act. To a certain extent, I subscribe to the line of thinking that acting itself can't really be taught. At a base level, it's just something you innately understand. But we don't need to get into my theatrical education manifesto right this minute; this post is about grad school.

What young, undergrad me didn't realize was that actors don't really go to grad school to learn how to act. They go to gain connections. Now THIS is something I have learned the importance of in my year and half in the real world. Almost all of my jobs have been gained through connections. A career in this industry is like a steam train, in which one gig leads to another, which leads to another, and so on. So here I am, wanting desperately to work in theatre and to travel again. This is the formula that has led me to start a UCAS application.

The UCAS is the online application for performance conservatories in the UK. I am applying to schools in London, Edinburgh, and Wales. The kicker is that international students have to, by law, pay full tuition for these programs. So uhhh, I don't know if I really want to double my debt in one shot, but we'll cross that bridge if and when we get there.

So with money factored out, why am I still hesitant to apply, if going to school in Europe will potentially fulfill two of my biggest goals? It comes down to the existential crisis I had my senior year of high school.

I had a scarring undergraduate application process. I could describe it here for you, but I wrote a piece about it for my undergrad capstone, and I think it explains my hesitance pretty well.

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Growing up, it was my dream to go to college. I wanted the ivy-covered wall experience more than I could say. I was incredibly academically driven. I toed the line of being unhealthily academically driven. It’s probably because I was born in Princeton and those kids are reading before they exit the womb, but I don’t know, I was just really excited by the “college experience.” If I worked hard I was supposed to achieve this goal, right?

SO, flash forward to me, 18 years old, applying for colleges. I was checking the mailbox every day after school. My email was constantly up on my phone. The answers eventually came, starting with Yale: "We regret to inform you…" Then Vassar: "We had a really competitive applicant pool this year…" Then Princeton: "We could not offer you…" NYU Stern: "We regret…" NYU Tisch: "We regret..." Lafayette, William & Mary, Emerson: "We could offer you a spot on our wait…" what’s wrong with me?

I had done everything in my power to be a strong applicant: tied for valedictorian, every AP class I could take, National Honor Society, President of Tri-M Music Honor Society, French Honor Society, Math Honor Society, shows every fall and spring, Freddy Award nominee, founder of a chapter of a community service organization, SAT courses, an above average score, subject tests, competitive Irish dance. I was proud of who I was and the things I had accomplished, but I felt like my world was crumbling around me when academia, the sphere that I had always excelled in, no longer wanted me.

Countless hours crying, breakdowns, existential angst, I was a mess. I stopped wearing makeup to school. I felt like I was constantly being looked at, questioned. No one understood. I thought I had done everything right.

The truth is, there is no “right.” Sometimes, you do everything you are told, you follow the path, you exceed expectations, and still the end is not what you were promised. I never got that acceptance letter in the mail that made my heart skip a beat, that huddle around a computer that ends with bubbling screams and laughter, hugs and tears from the family, that celebratory dinner, that bumper sticker, that sweatshirt, that lanyard that would have done far more than hold my keys. I missed out on the college experience, and that was it.

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So as you can see, what happened my senior year really broke me. My whole world was turned upside down. I started to question everything I knew, because all of a sudden, it was all a lie. So honestly, I’m scared to apply to grad schools. I don’t want this to happen again.

Although the experience remains incredibly upsetting to this day, I have to admit that going through that definitely changed me for the better. I was an uptight kid. I had a lot of expectations (that I imposed upon myself) to live up to, but from the rejection, I learned to stop expecting things. Life doesn't always turn out the way you expect it to. Sometimes it does, but what defines you more is how you respond when it doesn't. I went into college telling myself, "The worst thing you could have imagined happened. Now all you have left is to let go and enjoy the ride." And that's what I did. My freshman year turned out to be so much fun! My lack of expectation allowed me the freedom to enjoy what I had.

What was truly affirming about the whole experience was the fact that I learned to be nicer to myself and those around me, and it came at no cost whatsoever. I think I was holding onto this belief that if I relaxed a bit, I would lose those parts of myself that I was proud of. It turned out to be quite the contrary. My grades didn't slip, I was just as involved as I was in high school, and my new attitude helped me to create lifelong friends. So although the rejection seemed like a terrible loss, in a way, it was actually a personal gain.

So maybe putting myself out there for grad schools and potentially failing wouldn't be too soul-crushing after all. Maybe it's a defining experience that I am in need of at this stage in my life. And on the flip side, maybe this could be my keychain college experience. So why not try?

xx