Still Looking For That Living

To give you an idea of how my life has been going these past few months, I am starting this post off with a few excerpts from drafts I've written during my time away.

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November 14th

WOW has it felt like one of those when-it-rains-it-pours kinda weeks...months...years.

I belted out "World Burn" from Mean Girls today for the very first time. Could only dream of doing that about a year ago. I should be ecstatic, but all I can think about is the retail job I've been praying I'd get for the past week, but hearing nothing back from. A retail job. I cannot even secure a retail job.

What happened? Where did I go wrong? I have things to offer. I know I do, but no one is looking for me. And that's just the way the job market is. They aren't looking for you. But I've spun it a million ways and I still can't seem to prove that I have something they need.

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Later in November (didn't even bother to date from here on out, apparently)

Hello internet,

It's been a while. And my last post was pretty bleak. But uhhhh in that time, I got a job and maybe an apartment?

Neither are ideal, but they work. And nothing is forever. I'm so scared honestly, but that's how I know I'm on the right track?

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Early December

I'm starting to think that I am destined to exclusively pursue opportunities in life that don't seem to make sense.

Since I graduated from college I have held a ~plethora~ of jobs.

How many of these jobs did I really make money off of?

Two. Kind of.

How many did I break even or lose money off of?

The rest.

Which jobs made me feel alive?

The ones that didn't make financial sense.

My most recent endeavour is a coffee shop. A coffee shop that is 2 hours away from where I am currently living. You see, it has been a subconscious goal of mine to move to the Hoboken area, and getting an apartment sometimes tends to be this horrid chicken-or-the-egg kind of situation where they won't let you rent if you don't have a job to prove you can pay, but no one in the city will hire you when they hear that you don't already live there.

I took a chance on a coffee shop that I had breezed through once in college. Basically sent them an epistle, all but begging them to take a chance on the poor Jersey native who has been exiled to Long Island and wants nothing more than to return home.

I heard nothing back for two months...so I assumed I came on too strong.

BUT only a few weeks ago, the manager of said coffee shop emailed me asking if I was still interested in the position.

So long story short, I now have this job in a coffee shop in Hoboken that I love (so far), but I have to drive across Long Island, through Astoria, then Midtown Manhattan, and finally into Hoboken at the crack of dawn. AND I end up losing about two hours worth of pay due to the tolls involved in crossing back over into New York. Do you see why I said that none of this makes sense?

But I have a feeling and I know that this is right for me right now. I just need some roommates and a place...easier said than done. None of my theatre colleagues want to move to the NYC area. Or they are saving up (and something I've learned, at least about myself, is that saving up really just means stalling, because unless you have wholly committed to putting your entire paycheck into your savings account every two weeks, you're not actually saving much at all.)

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The entries stop there because things really started to hit the fan in 2021. Within the first two months of this year I had four potential apartment situations fall through, I broke up with my boyfriend of almost two years, my dog passed away from a brain tumor, and I quit my job at the coffee shop.

Just gotta let that sit for a second. Seeing it in words is really ~something~

March so far has been about picking up the pieces and making sense of all of this. Figuring out how to proceed.

I know I had written that the coffee shop felt like a good step for me, but in trying (and failing) to make an apartment in Hoboken/Jersey City work, I decided that the area wasn't actually what I thought it was, and I didn't want to live there. I wanted to live in Manhattan, where I've been working on and off since I started college in 2016. I know that Jersey City is a cheaper alternative (and because I still work in the theatre scene in New Jersey, it felt like a good in between), but my two and a half months of commuting taught me that I would rather pay a bit more and work a bit harder to live in a shoebox in Manhattan, than have adequate space for less money in a place that doesn't make me happy.

2021 has been the year of letting things go that aren't working in my life anymore. Coming to terms with the idea that some things come to an end, even if they were perfect for you at one point. Growth is hard. Change is hard. Nothing about these past few months has been comfortable or easy. But I've done what I had to do. For me.

Now I am unemployed and back on the apartment hunt. Feeling that horrid push and pull between finding a fulfilling job in my field and finding a job that will actually pay my rent and sustain some kind of lifestyle (any kind at this point, I literally don't care, I'm desperate for self-sufficiency). I haven't done anything creative since my musical revue in early November. I'm overdue for a project, to say the least. It is good to come back here and express again, but this post is a glorified diary entry. Maybe readers can take solace in my struggle. Feel less alone.

And if anyone is looking to move to Manhattan, hit me up. Lord knows I could use some roommates. Here's to things looking up from here on out. I am trying to let the unknown be exciting and not terrifying.

xx

Nic