Manifesting Confidence: A Journey Away from Negative Self-Speech

(PLEASE NOTE: This is a post in which I psychoanalyze myself in the hope that others may find comfort in feeling similarly. It is a bit of an expansion on my earlier post about FAILURE. My thoughts are just more developed and fleshed out. It leans on the heavier side, so if you aren't really feeling some heavy mental material, please enjoy another one of my lighter posts.)

I just took a private dance class yesterday (using all the proper safety precautions) and I had one main takeaway. Keep in mind, the lesson itself was on turns. I have always been a dancer, but turns scare me. I left this lesson with one thing in mind...and it wasn't turns.

Confidence.

My teacher pointed out the fact that I was lacking in confidence. And as much as that is to be expected when one is out of their comfort zone, it hit home because I have noticed a pattern of teachers and mentors telling me this over the past year. Time and time again the narrative has been "you've got it, you just need to be more confident in it."

All I can think when I hear this is "this isn't me." I have always considered myself to be a confident person and others have commended me on having a strong sense of self. (Not trying to toot my own horn, by any means; just giving background as to why this is hitting me so hard.) And it isn't as cut and dry as me having zero confidence for a year straight; my confidence has come and gone. I think my coaches are noticing it because, as of late, confidence has been abandoning me in the times that I need it most.

I have come to realize that my lack of confidence has become a defense mechanism of sorts. I have developed this negative voice in my head that tells me I'm a fraud, and so, I hesitate to act with confidence until I am completely sure that I won't make a mistake. I fear that if I am confident from the start, any mistake will only validate my imposter syndrome. Almost like I have to put on some kind of act in which I make it seem like I don't know what I'm doing, because I don't trust that what I already know will come across.

Heavy. I know.

But I am sharing this because I am more than aware that this is not a unique experience. The theatrical world is plagued by fears and troubles such as mine. I also feel that this is a pretty universally relatable experience. Negative self-speech is such an easy pit to fall into, and it eats away at you like a tapeworm (pardon my disgusting comparison). It will continue to grow until you stop feeding it.

So that seems like the solution, right? Just stop feeding into it. Stop the negative self-speech. Case closed, we're done...but we all know that it is not that simple. And frankly, I hide behind the idea that it is my own doing, just as I hide behind a lack of confidence. When I flub an audition or I feel out of my comfort zone in a dance class, I can chock it all up to it having been my fault, yet again. And in my mind, as long as it's my fault and I didn't give my best performance, they don't get to make the judgement about whether I am good enough because I haven't shown them everything I have to give. CRAZY, RIGHT?

So now that I have created this convoluted web of a defensive mechanism, how do I destroy it? How do I bounce back from this? Honestly, I am kind of asking you as much as I am asking myself. Then again, I'm not sure that I am looking for advice. I used to vent to my mom as a kid, just as I have done here, and when she would try to give me advice, I would get so upset. For years I couldn't figure out why I would get angry, when I knew she was just trying to help me. Then, I realized that all I had really wanted from her was validation. I wasn't looking for her to fix my problems, I was talking them out so that I could do that for myself. I was just looking for her to listen and relate. I think that's what I have done here.

I don't want this to be a self-help blog by any means. Please, PLEASE stop me the second I start to write those kitsch inspo posts that are supposed to teach you life skills in three poorly-written, impersonal paragraphs. I am not going to pretend that I know how to fix this, because I'm 22, and I don't know yet. But since this suckish feeling is pervading my everyday life, I wanted to take you along on my efforts to eradicate it. Forever a work in progress.

Until next time.

xoxo